How often do you ask yourself: How often? More precisely: How often do you have to fall head over heels in love and be absolutely sure that he is your soulmate every time? How many times will you be sure to spend the rest of your life with this man until the bubble of your Hollywood romance bursts and you end up on the ground of facts because the bastard broke your heart? How many times does that have to happen to you?
Don’t worry: After reading this text, it won’t happen as often as without this article.
How does unrequited love happen?
Love is complicated and too often remains unrequited. Especially in times of dating apps like Tinder & Co., where the choice of potential partners is virtually endless and the next heartbreaker is waiting for you on every corner, you often fall in love with the wrong person. But why is that? And why do you get so attached to those who don’t really want you – or only sometimes?
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There are various reasons, and usually several are combined. Of course, the blame can also be placed on the corresponding men who take advantage of you and your good faith. Surely there are such men too. But in order to stay away from them, you first have to realize why these guys can end up with you at all. We’ve gathered the most important reasons for such unrequited love:
5 possible reasons for unrequited love
If men keep breaking your heart because their feelings are stronger, it is time to reflect on your behaviour. These 5 things can play a role if you keep falling in love with the wrong people:
1. hormones cloud your brain
Why unrequited love repeats itself? Among other things because being in love is addictive! © Jacob Lund / Shutterstock.com
Actually, it’s not your fault that you always pick the wrong men: It’s your brain. Because the happiness hormone dopamine, which is mainly released during sex, clouds your senses. It tricks your mind and puts you into an emotional state of emergency.
But what if after a while it turns out that it was “just sex” for him, but you’re already in deep emotional trouble? Well, then it’ll be really fucking painful, because the constant release of the happiness hormone When it suddenly stops, they suffer like cold turkey. It’s affecting your body, too: Mood swings, sleepless nights, no appetite, and endless periods of depression.
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That’s why when you have lovesickness, you need a good friend as a therapist by your side and painkillers in the form of chocolate and ice cream to give your brain a new dose of happiness.
2. good genes break hearts
Evolution has also played its part in your choice of partner today. In your ancestors, the best genes prevailed in evolutionary biology, so that the strongest, smartest and most beautiful survived.
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This behaviour is also in you and makes sure that you look upwards when choosing a partner, i.e. choose someone who is genetically similar or even a little better off than you are. The problem: the other person does the same and may not even notice you – ouch!
3. mom and dad fucked up
Free at last! To reach this state, sometimes hard self-reflection is necessary. © Jacob Lund / Shutterstock.com
If things go really badly, your parents will also give you a search pattern. Sigmund Freud already knew: If you cannot identify with your mother enough as a child so that the love for the father remains on a normal level, you will develop very unhappy relationship patterns – also called father complex. This makes you fall in love again and again with men who are actually unreachable: The boss, the professor, your best friend’s boyfriend. Disappointment and anger are inevitable.
4. it’s up to your ex-boyfriend
Yes, you can also blame the ex when love is not going well. Because the previous men in your life have made their mark on you. Not only the famous father complex can make you fall in love unhappily over and over again – your ex-boyfriends can also be responsible for you falling for a certain type of man again and again when choosing a partner.
Unconsciously, you cling to the role you are used to from previous relationships, and you are always looking for men to take on this role. This is how a prey schema develops. The question is, who will be the prey?
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5. and in the end it’s your own fault too
The decisive reason why you cling to people who do not want you at all lies within yourself. A lack of self-confidence, fear of being alone and learned (mis)behavior due to failed relationships can be causes.
However, having a lasting crush on someone who is ultimately always unreachable also protects you from actually entering into a relationship yourself. So you stay in “what-if” mode and end up torturing yourself.
What can I do in case of unrequited love?
It’s hard, but true: without honest and merciless self-reflection followed by a change of strategy, you will not escape this “marmot greets daily” cycle.
Once you have seen through the reasons for unrequited love, you can look more confidently into the future. © Jacob Lund / Shutterstock.com
Take a close look at all the men you have been unhappily in love with. Go through the list by the reasons given above. Is there a pattern among the men? Do they all correspond to a certain type, do they all touch the same weak point in you?
Also look at your particular life situation in which you met these men. Are there perhaps parallels, such as “always after a particularly stressful time” or “whenever I was particularly ill”? You should write down all results and read them over and over again.
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The more evidence you have, the better you can determine how you got into these relationships. The better you know, the more likely you are to avoid these situations in the future, or at least be alert if they recur.
Dreams are another important point. To what extent are you perhaps attached to a (perhaps ancient) dream idea of what a life together with a man should look like? And to what extent are you still looking for a man who fits exactly into this idea, but is no longer in your life? Sort out out outdated ideal images and create a realistic and, above all, as open a search profile as possible for your potential partner.
But be careful: People tend to recognize patterns where there are none. Just because you had two unhappy affairs with tall blond men who had a technical profession, doesn’t mean that engineers are responsible for your misfortune. It’s not about appearances. It’s not so much about the men, it’s more about what these men bring out in you, what they touch in you. And it’s especially about things that you don’t really want.
Whoever you’re flying at next: Keep both feet on the ground! © Jacob Lund / Shutterstock.com
How do I overcome unrequited love?
Preferably not with a new love that causes problems again. Remember, a relationship is not everything. The most important person in your life is yourself. So concentrate on yourself, and draw clear boundaries for yourself as to what you are going to do with men. Or take a break from men.
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Very important are conversations with friends, preferably people you have known for a long time. Tell them about your self-analysis and ask for their opinion. And listen to their warnings! If a good friend tells you to a guy you find “quite cute”, “That’s exactly your problem type again”, you should be very alert.
Many suffer long and enduringly from a broken heart. For whatever reason you cling to the wrong person: Stop it! Because usually you are only fooling yourself. Reflect on your choice of partner and above all remain true to yourself. Because even if it is difficult, sometimes a “Too bad, don’t do it” protects you from a lot of unnecessary frustration.