Whether at the party, at the cheese counter or at Tinder – flirting is fun, but also requires a sure instinct. One thing is very important: Just because you want to please him, you don’t have to make yourself agreeable to him.
The usual flirting tips from self-proclaimed “experts” sound quite different: “Wear red, play with your hair, put your hand on his arm and agree with him, then he will definitely fall in love with you. Really? You’re a confident woman. All you can do is smile.
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Exciting question in this context: When was the last time you consciously and actively flirted with someone? The first step in getting to know someone is no longer just a man’s business. But how do you best address a man you like – without feeling stupid? We have some important advice for you.
What is flirting anyway?
First problem: What is flirting? Do you have to keep looking back and forth, flirtatiously lowering your eyelashes and smiling, smiling, smiling? Or like in the newer Hollywood film, greet the object of your desire with a bold saying? The dictionary says about flirting: “to express one’s affection to someone through a certain behaviour, through gestures, looks or joking words and in this way to initiate an erotic relationship”.
Wow, eroticism in the dictionary, that’s really going strong! Gestures, looks, words: So far, so clear. But does a flirt really always have to come down to one thing? That is already the first mistake! Flirting is a non-binding and absolutely spontaneous game.
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If you joke with the waiter who brings you your drink, or exchange a few kind words with your seat mate on the train, you don’t always want to explore the possibility of a relationship. Sometimes two glances meet, you grin at each other, talk briefly, and that certain crackling, that special dynamic arises. More can come out of it, but doesn’t have to. Don’t let yourself be convinced that there is some kind of “connection” between you. A short flirtation does not commit you to anything.
You have every right to leave it at the grin.
Touching is okay, but only when things are clear between you. © Jacob Lund / Shutterstock.com
When does a flirtation start?
Especially after #metoo it was often said that one should not flirt at all anymore. Of course that’s nonsense. So the question is not where the flirtation begins, but where it ends. The beginning can be as described above: casual, slightly casual.
Then it is a question of place, time, opportunity and, of course, the wishes of those involved. If everything fits, the first smile can turn into a conversation and more can follow later. But none of this commits you to anything. You can stop and leave at any time.
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How can I tell he’s flirting with me?
The charm of flirting is that it is not immediately clear what will become of it. You don’t put up a big sign that says, “Caution, this is flirting.” But he’d have to be… SEHR so you don’t notice he’s flirting with you.
First, look at what happens to you when you like a man and you flirt with him: You get a raised pulse, maybe get a little nervous, have that permanent smile carved on your face, want to talk to him more and more and spend time with him…
What about him? Well, you can’t feel his pulse right now. But you can check all the other characteristics, especially the permanent grin and the fact that he just canŽt get loose, is very noticeable. Well? If it’s the same with him, keep going.
Flirting in a relationship: is that possible?
Of course! A little provocation, a short exchange of blows, affectionate teasing, but also compliments and flattery – all this puts you in a good mood and is even indispensable in a good partnership.
But what about others? Is foreign flirting an absolute no-go? That depends on the deal with your partner, of course. If jealousy dramas are out of the question, a small, noncommittal flirt can strengthen your self-confidence – and that can never hurt. Attention: This is not a free ticket to unrestrainedly hit on anything and everything. Maintain your posture.
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Which flirting tips do not work at all?
There are some flirting tips that come straight from hell. When it comes to flirting, so-called flirt coaches feel called upon time and again to teach the world the worst advice. They are usually based on bad role clichés from the past millennium and fill websites, magazines and whole books.
Such advice can hardly be taken seriously, but we encounter it again and again. Therefore, here is my top 7 worst flirting tips, with which you are guaranteed to do everything wrong:
1. “Be a star, make yourself scarce / If you want to be valid, make yourself rare”
Such airs and graces don’t even work for stars themselves. Look at how lonely they often are! Seriously, if you like someone, show them – and show them directly. You don’t have to throw yourself at them.
Two. “Always super make-up, dressed to kill”
Sure, unshowered and sweaty, you might not want to meet your dream man for the first time – but if he’s really that great, he likes you. Every tip that advises you to behave, dress or apply make-up differently from normal should be questioned directly. Because you want to be liked and loved as yourself. Dressing up is for carnival.
3. “Sex sells”
Big neckline, short skirt, daring stilettos – quite honestly: You don’t even want to meet men who are only into that.
4. “The first step is a man’s business”
Then you may have to wait a long time and have to deal with many wrong people in that time. This idea is from the same time as “Women belong at the stove”.
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5. “Always look at men diagonally from below”
It’s supposed to be sweet and vulnerable. I see. All those who do not want to appear sweet, nor vulnerable, nor like a chicken, should forget this tip as soon as possible. I’m looking him right in the eye. He’s gotta be able to take it, otherwise he’s the wrong guy.
6. any kind of “strategy for the perfect flirt”
Hopefully we have already clarified that they can’t exist at all – and rehearsed strategies look completely wooden anyway.
7. “Bite your lip”
It’s bad. Forget it. Just like: Run your tongue over your lip, stick out your chest, suck your pinkie. You’re a modern woman looking for a flirt, not a mating female looking for a mate.
8. “seek physical contact”
Such tips are the reason why you as a woman can no longer put your hand on a man’s arm without obligation. Because he will immediately interpret this as a “sex signal” (the same “flirting experts” also write for men). So, better leave it alone, at least until you are sure that you want to be touched by him.
He’s a charmer? As long as he can behave himself. © Jacob Lund / Shutterstock.com
Which flirting tips work?
Well, too much negative input? Okay. For all of you who are in desperate need of some useful flirting tips, here are my five most honest flirting tips:
1. be authentic and yourself!
Sounds like platitude, but it’s true. And it’s harder than it sounds, because the main thing you have to do is stop brooding. When it comes to something we care about, we tend to think things through.
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For example, if you see this one man that you like, your mind carousel already starts to spin. You’re thinking, “Come on, head, spit out a line that’s charming and a little bit cheeky and, at best, convinces the guy right off me!”
My foot! The first sentence that you usually say to someone is seldom particularly original – and that’s completely okay! A “hello!” is usually enough. Or even a cool shirt. (If it’s halfway cool.) Much more important is that you appear open and friendly and really feel like talking.
2. Have some guts!
Some time ago I was sitting on the train, reading a book and in some places I couldn’t help but grin. When I had to get off, my seat neighbour gave me room, looked me in the eyes and said: “You have such a beautiful smile! Yes, something very direct perhaps. But: the whole day after I was in a good mood, but I was also a little baffled.
All too rarely do we encounter such honest directness. Since then I try to take an example from it and simply say when I like something. Because we often only compliment each other when we expect something from it.
Mine! Success in flirting is possible. © Jacob Lund / Shutterstock.com
3. don’t take yourself too seriously!
Probably the term “planetarium feeling” does not mean anything to you – because I invented it. Whenever I used to go to the planetarium, I always felt very small and insignificant afterwards. The same thing when I take the train through the city at night, and I realize that behind every lighted window is a person whose life is just as important as mine, and who has very similar problems, thoughts and feelings.
This realization – as banal as it actually is – can be overwhelming, but should inspire us not to take ourselves so seriously. Consequence for flirting:
4. try to stay loose somehow!
If it has really sparkled, don’t think about it for a while, but enjoy it! © Jacob Lund / Shutterstock.com
Flirting is not a competitive sport. Yeah, there’s a lot to be won in it. But experience shows that it is more like a lottery than a competition. So relax, take the pressure off. You want to talk to a cute guy and can’t get a word out – who cares? Well, you’ll get it right next time. But if you tense up now, that’s the first thing you’ll remember about the next cute guy, and that won’t relax you.
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5. Forget all flirting tips!
Yes, this is more than contradictory now and at this point, but nevertheless: Forget everything you have ever read, seen or heard about flirting. Yeah, and all my tips, except this one.
Because: Since we are all different, there can be no flirtation guidelines. Trust what feels good and what you enjoy. Flirting thrives on being unplanned and non-binding – therefore strategies and tips are more of a hindrance than a help.
These flirt tips always work
Anyone can flirt! It does not matter what exactly flirting is or how it works best. There is no patent recipe! If it’s fun and gives you a good feeling, then you should definitely try it more often – and throw all flirting tips to the wind!