Do you love the wrong person? Or also: Are you together with the wrong person, but do not love him at all? Of course you will know when you are dealing with a total idiot, a thug or a bad chauvinist. And you know what to do then: Adios, amore! But sometimes it’s not so easy. How many times have you dated a man for weeks, maybe even months, even though you knew he wouldn’t fit perfectly? How many times has a mister stolen 80% of your time?
Far too often women rush into short-term relationships with men with whom they can’t really imagine anything more than a coffee and a quickie on the couch. And in doing so, they delude themselves that maybe he is the man who somehow makes them happy.
For a time, these half-hearted relationships can work quite well, but in the long run it is simply a waste of time – time in which you may miss the “right” one because you have your eyes on the wrong one. We tell you how to recognize that you are wasting your time with the wrong person, why this is happening and how you can change it.
Is it really affection or just a need to lean on? © Hrecheniuk Oleksii / Shutterstock.com
What are signs that I have doubts about the relationship?
Short answer: You will notice that already. Long answer: If you have only been together for a short time, but there are already many points in your life where you doubt him or your feelings for him, this is a warning signal. If your heart doesn’t hop every time you see him again, but at most twitches tiredly, this is not a good sign either.
Of course, it’s also a bit of a type question, but if you don’t find most of what he does absolutely great in the first 3 months, that’s a bit of the beginning of the end.
It can happen that you are inwardly satisfied with half the Prince Charming. Then it often says: “On the whole, it is somehow nice after all” or “There is always something to complain about after all”. But that is crap.
Is he my Mr. Right?
When should I not listen to my doubts?
It’s a difficult field. It is quite possible that you are with a man who is good for you, who honestly loves you and who also means or could mean a lot to you. But there are other things in the way of you seeing this. Therefore, you should first check whether your doubts are not yours, but come from outside.
For example, do you have the feeling of missing a “better” man because you see the “offer” at Instagram, Tinder & Co. every day? Do you compare your life with that of friends or even celebrities and their “great” relationships? Then you should be careful and first of all hide everything that has nothing directly to do with your life. Go for a half-day walk alone or go away for a week without being exposed to all these influences, and then judge how you feel about this man.
Only when you breathe a sigh of relief in this freedom and do not miss him, is there any truth in your doubts.
Why am I stuck in an unhappy relationship?
There are several reasons, the most common being probably convenience. As long as the guy doesn’t really annoy you, cooks you something good every now and then and massages your neck so wonderfully, there’s no obvious reason to throw him in the wind. And that would involve some uncomfortable discussions.
After all, you have already met a man for several months, had sex and confided in him intimate things. It is inevitable that at some point the habit will develop. But other reasons also play a role:
1. the hormones mix with
Actually you have doubts about the relationship, but then you fall into his arms again and again. Why? Well, it’s true that you’re a victim of your hormones. In intimacy, your hormones go on a roller coaster and you’re not yourself. The cuddling hormone oxytocin, which your body releases when you are close to it or touch it, makes you feel closer. In addition, when you cuddle, messenger substances are released which have a calming effect on your well-being and reduce stress.
Cuddling, hugs and closeness are also intended to reduce anxiety.
Closeness and intimacy always get your hormones going, and they love to make you feel love. © Hrecheniuk Oleksii / Shutterstock.com
So should you give up sex if it’s not the big romance? No, he’s too much fun for that. Try to avoid the rose-colored glasses by making a short list of qualities that your prince of dreams should have. Of course, it should not be an exclusion criterion if a potential candidate does not meet one item on your wish list. But the list should at least serve as a small cheat sheet for you to check the guy for his dream man potential in advance.
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2. the halo effect deceives you
The halo effect comes from social psychology and plays a nasty trick on our perception. A positive characteristic of a person with less good qualities is perceived in a coherent way and thus unconsciously also positively evaluated. For example, you may meet a particularly attractive man and then automatically assume that he is particularly charming and attentive. Do not allow yourself to be deceived by a superior quality over his flaws.
Maybe there are some more butterflies in your stomach somewhere… © Hrecheniuk Oleksii / Shutterstock.com
3. you lie to yourself
If there’s one thing people can do, it’s talk themselves into believing things. Except sometimes you lie to yourself. You tell yourself that he may be the right one – even if he isn’t perfect – because you are afraid of being alone or because you don’t really think you can get a better one. Don’t fool yourself: Being alone is not the greatest feeling. But wasting your time with the wrong man and then possibly missing the love of your life is not better either.
Stop trying to convince yourself that your almost relationship with this guy will miraculously become a great love affair. Especially in the beginning everything should be perfect: no doubts, permanent grin and 1000 butterflies in your stomach. But if it already starts with problems, it’s best to make a U-turn immediately. Because: If you meet the right person, you don’t need to talk yourself into believing anything. Because then everything is beautiful. If not, say goodbye to him.
You won’t end up a lonely catwoman.
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How do I know he’s the wrong guy?
Don’t worry, you don’t have to answer a million questions right now. To find out if he is the man you want to grow old with and to avoid the veil of pink and red glasses, just answer these 5 questions for yourself:
- Can I imagine a common future with him (not in weeks, but in years)?
- Does he show the behaviour and characteristics that are important to me?
- Everyone has his rough edges, but can I live with his?
- Is he treating me as I deserve?
- Am I happy with him, or is it just his closeness and affection that pleases me?
If you can answer all these questions with “yes”, it looks good for a relationship. The less likely you are to say yes or the longer you have to think before answering, the less likely you are to be very happy in love.
But he’s actually quite cute… © Hrecheniuk Oleksii / Shutterstock.com
What do I do if I’m with the wrong guy?
Well, that’s that! Cross your heart: do you want sparks, tingling, wobbly knees and all the other signals of infatuation? Or do you want to settle for a relationship that somehow halfway works, at least doesn’t hurt anyone and watching TV together is worth something? Before you maneuver yourself into a dead end, or actually end up in an unhappy relationship, check if he really is the man you see next to you for the next few years. If your answer is no: Then let’s get out of here!
Important: Do not blame him. It’s not his fault he’s not your dream guy. He may be in more pain than you are. He may be in love. Talk it over with him openly as soon as you figure it out. He’s not interested in a relationship where he’s the last resort. Of course, it may be that it hits him hard, but here, as so often, the rule is: Better an end with horror than a horror without end.
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You recognize the great love at once. Whether you’re wasting your time with the wrong person is more difficult. But if you ask yourself our important questions, you will find out. Listen to your heart!