We see them almost every day and spend more time with them than we sometimes like to. Having colleagues can be a blessing, but sometimes it can also be hell. It all depends on what kind of people they belong to. We have picked out the most common types in the daily office madness for you.
1. the full horst
Broken printers, spilled coffee and IT -disasters are all his fault. He’s also a grateful victim of interoffice prank calls. Admittedly, the Vollhorst may be exhausting from time to time, but basically harmless. Also extremely amusing, as long as he is not in the same room with you.
Standard set: “Hello IT ?! I think I deleted the internet”
2. the ripper
Equipped with his fine fresh meat sensors, the ripper sleepwalks through the office, giving his colleagues the unmistakable feeling of having a pair of eyes glued to their butts at all times.
Standard set: “Hiya, buddy boy, so you’re the new intern?”
3. the esoteric-Ulla
Some would say that esoteric Ulla is as annoying as French fry fat. If only because her office always smells of disgusting tea. You can recognize her workplace by the crystals on the window, with which she wants to positively influence Chi. If a colleague has a headache, she takes globules from her drawer and offers a chakra flash cleaning. In short: Eso-Ulla may be funny, but basically she is completely harmless.
Standard set: “There’s a really weird vibe in the air today”
4. the sweetie pie
Cuteness overload! The sugar doll is annoying primarily because a) we get headaches from the clattering of her heels in the hallway, because b) she is late every morning, because her nails don’t dry as fast and because c) she can wrap all her male colleagues around her finger.
“Somebody bring a nail file? Would be really cute.”
5. the creep
Watch out for the creep. He’s not gonna miss a situation to kick your ass. Humiliations in front of an audience (for example in conferences) are as much his specialty as targeted bashing at the boss. It is therefore best to avoid creeps. Or spread the rumour that you have seen the creep kick a cute little cat. After that, everyone in the company will hate him.
“Is your boring presentation almost over or can I play another round of Candy Crush?”
6. the office MacGyver
Okay, this is finally a really great guy. The Office MacGyver usually combines several superpowers into one. He knows a lot about computers, knows reliably who is responsible for the expense accounts in the personnel department and that the conference has been postponed to next Wednesday. With this colleague near you, you will never miss an important appointment again or forget to confirm the email with the fire safety regulations.
Even if the office MacGyver is right on the edge of being a wise guy – we are lenient with him, because he always helps when the full-hearted person has deleted the Internet.
Standard set: “No problem, let me do it!”
7. Mr. X or “The Pig”
Probably one of the biggest office mysteries: Who the hell made that mess in the toilet?! Clearly a case of the “pig,” or Mr. or Mrs. X. To expose her or him is about as impossible as catching Heino without sunglasses.
Standard set: “I wasn’t&apos not!” and “Right, really gross!”
8. the afflicted
The afflicted person is the undisputed record holder in the sick day statistics and on top of that she has an enormous sense of mission with regard to her physical and mental states. She also likes to communicate these non-verbally by sitting at her desk with a hot water bottle on her lap or by demonstratively setting up her medication around the keyboard.
The only positive thing about the sufferer: When you ask in the office if someone is a particularly good dentist, HNO -specialist or osteopath, you can fully count on them.
Standard set: “I’ve got another one of those back pulls”
9. the lovebirds
In conferences they sit next to each other, Christmas parties are left together and the daily walk to the coffee machine is basically taken together. The lovebirds belong to the peaceful variety of colleagues – as long as their togetherness is not disturbed.
Standard set: “Can we do this together?”
10. the refrigerator ace
Refrigerator assistants are some of the worst people you’ll find in an office community. What could be bolder than stealing yoghurt and meatballs from the office kitchen? Unfortunately, they usually remain undiscovered forever – similar to the toilet pigs.
Standard set: “Someone named the food in the fridge. My yogurt today was named Claudia. Harharhar.”
11. The guy I don’t give a shit about
You could actually give a shit about the guy, because he basically doesn’t hurt anyone with his destructive nature. Nevertheless he is annoying because even the globules of Eso-Ulla can’t stand so many negative vibrations.
Standard set: “I don’t give a shit” or “I so don’t give a shit”