With all the new forms of contact on the Internet, new flirting varieties have also emerged or have expanded into the digital world. Some use the anonymous infinity of possibilities on the net, others use the technical conditions for massive flirting.
Some unpleasant habits and behaviours are not only sporadic but very common. That’s why there are already fixed names for them, the talk is of “dating trends”, whereby this is to be understood in an absolutely negative way. What they all have in common is that nobody needs them. We will tell you what is meant by the names and how you can protect yourself from the crap if you are affected.
What is benching?
You know the phenomenon of putting something off? It’s not so bad as long as you’re not the one being pushed off. The term “ benching ” refers to exactly that. It comes from the English word “ bench ” for Bank and describes an annoying stalling and warming tactic with which supposedly interesting men want to make themselves even more interesting.
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Most of the time it goes like this: You already had a nice date with a guy, another date is already arranged – then he cancels it and doesn’t call back. At some point he picks up the thread again, as if nothing had ever happened, and continues the game.
What’s the point of that: The tactic follows the principle of supply shortage, which allegedly increases demand.
What you should do: Don’t take me for an idiot. Love is not a used-car market. No supply, no demand. Only feelings count. If his behavior repeats itself, talk to him about it. If the guy doesn’t show up again with a lame excuse, go to “don’t buy”. Delete the contact. Write him that you’re not interested in any more excuses. If he suddenly does show up, you’ll be even more suspicious.
He rarely answers, often not at all? Maybe he wants to “breadcrumb” you. © Fizkes / Shutterstock.com
What is breadcrumbing?
You have met a very exciting guy online and have been in a kind of loose ongoing conversation with him ever since. But if you are honest, he will only answer your questions sporadically or not at all. Often he only gives you a few pieces of information (that’s why breadcrumbing : bread crumbs) and does not respond to requests. On other occasions he surprises you with niceness and compliments, only to thin out again.
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What’s the point of that: Similar to benching, here you are fed and kept warm by someone who thinks it makes him look more interesting or who is simply too cowardly to get involved in more.
What you should do: Don’t waste your time. Find out if the guy has any reason to seem so busy, maybe he really just has a lot to do. But even if it turns out that he is insanely busy, you should ask yourself whether such unsatisfactory communication is enough for you in the long run. Spoilers: The answer: NEIN ! Away with him.
What is meant by hyping?
If the first two stitches only serve to make yourself more interesting, hyping is a perfidious form of exploitation. In the case of benching or breadcrumbing, it is only suspected that someone is waiting for something better, but no one enters into a relationship.
With hyping it’s different: there is a relationship, you are a couple, he tells you how happy he is with you and lifts you up to heaven. He “ hypt “You”, hence the name. In fact, you’re just a filler until he finds the woman of his dreams.
What’s the point of that: Someone wants to keep the bed warm until the “right” one comes along. You are (sorry!) the hot water bottle.
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What you should do: If you get behind it – shoot him down on sight, mercilessly, no matter what he says. Zero tolerance. But more exciting is the question, like They’ll figure it out.
Important note that he is only hypting you: If he does not log off from dating platforms, even continues to use them. If he (secretly?) dates other women. If he often reveals an inflated ideal of women. If he interacts a lot with other (attractive) women on social networks and reacts stroppy when you ask him about it. And of course, if he talks or raves all the time about a very specific woman who is not his mother. (Okay, that would also be a reason to send him to mom.)
He’s setting off a fireworks display of attention online? This “gatsbying” can be flattering, but also annoying. © Fizkes / Shutterstock.com
What’s the Gatsbying about?
Again, there is an exaggerated veneration, but without you having a relationship (which he absolutely wants). One could speak of “overdredging”. It starts as a little online flirtation, and then something explodes. The guy gives you massive digital attention, especially in public, i.e. in social media.
He lets loose a firework of mentions, comments among your contributions, pictures and videos that he sends to you or on which he links you. He celebrates you on the net with a huge party, like Fitzgerald’s novel hero “The Great Gatsby” would have done.
This may flatter you at the beginning, but at some point it will get on your nerves or even make you feel queasy. At the latest when he rents the billboard opposite your bedroom window and puts up a larger-than-life poster in a leopard mankini, it’s no longer funny.
What’s the point of that: He flirts with you as much as he can to prove he’s serious. Maybe even to mark his territory. He probably considers his media banging to be devoted and “totally romantic.”
What you should do: If you like him, give him a clear signal that he is overdoing it and should shift down a few gears. Motto: Less is more. If he’s annoying you and you’re not interested in him, tell him clearly that you’re really overdoing it and mute him. If he ignores the signal and continues to get pushy, talk to friends about it and if necessary to the police. The boundaries to stalking are fluid here.
What does ghosting mean?
First you get along great, write each other regularly, maybe even have dates or a relationship – and then he just disappears, like a ghost. Hence the name: ghosting . The simplest explanation would be that it was a chat bot, for example on a dating platform, which was switched off. But it can be assumed that you would have noticed that.
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What’s the point of that: Either he has a problem with himself or with you or both. Either way, he obviously doesn’t have the guts to talk to you about it.
What you should do: Check. Of course it’s painful and insulting. But if you are reasonably sure that nothing has happened to him, which is relatively easy to check with his other online activities, forget him. Look at it this way: How can someone more effectively prove that he lacks the reliability needed for a relationship?
If there’s anything strange about his communication behavior, you should be puzzled. © Fizkes / Shutterstock.com
What does cushioning stand for?
Do you have the feeling that you are not the only person your new guy is dating? Then he might be doing “cushioning.” The term (from engl. “ cushion “(= pillows, cushions) describes the bad habit of secretly buffering oneself with another for the possible failure of one relationship. In the past, it would have been said that someone has several irons in the fire. Both are crap, because they are dishonest.
Even if he emphasizes again and again that he does not yet want a firm relationship, but wants to meet you again and again next to one or more others, he takes advantage of your good nature.
What’s the point of that: As is so often the case, he is only interested in creating the most comfortable relationship situation for himself and keeping several options open. Pasha crap deluxe.
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What you should do: If you are just as much on the road yourself, a balanced model can emerge, then it would be polyamory, i.e. the love for several people at the same time. But the probability that this will work satisfactorily for everyone if you have never talked about it before is rather low. If you reject this behavior, you give him a choice: Either he shows commitment, or he takes his fucking toothbrush and continues “cushiont” somewhere else.
No matter what “dating trend” you encounter: Be very skeptical. Dating has nothing to do with trends and tricks, but with feelings. And any behaviour that does not meet your wishes and desires has the potential to hurt you. So: Better to say more than less “Nope, thanks, bye!