A dominatrix explains what BDSM really is

What do you like in bed, anyway? Normal things? Or do you belong to the extravagant variety? Do you like anal sex? Pulling hair and spanking? Or do you find that totally sick? And do you find these questions a bit too indiscreet and ask yourself what this is all about?

What am I into anyway?

Sexuality is a private matter and – apart from our sexual partners and ourselves – is nobody’s business. This is not only socially desired, but first and foremost our right. And yet this kind of secrecy at some point raises the question whether we actually know ourselves what we are keeping secret from the rest of the world. Better said: What exactly is it that I like that makes me hot? And why is it even important to know that?

Why we should talk a lot more about sex

Only half of us are happy in bed

If you believe the many studies and surveys that have been conducted in recent years, many of us are anything but satisfied with our sex lives. To give you one example: In 2015, the online dating service ElitePartner in cooperation with the market research institute Fittkau und Maaß surveyed 10,000 people on this topic. The result: just 46 percent of men aged 30 and over are happy with the love life in their partnership; among women, the figure was 53 percent.

There are certainly many reasons for this, especially outside: too much stress at work, for example. Or the children, who are constantly whining and eating up so much time. Partnerships in general are sick or the new Netflix series is simply much more exciting. What we like to forget: Sometimes the reason is that we don’t know what we want.

BDSM – the secret longing for pain and submission

We talked with a woman who made a passion out of exactly this ignorance of the others: Madame Lisa is a dominatrix in Stuttgart or – as she prefers to call herself – a femdom. The abbreviation stands for “Female dominance”, which means something like “female dominance”.

She believes that most people have a – even if perhaps only a small – preference for BDSM and has been offering special seminars and workshops for more than ten years for those who would like to find out more about this form of sexuality. Your goal: BDSM and make people realize that the cliché of the arrogant dominatrix who lets the dust lick off her boots has nothing to do with reality.

That’s why we women love watching lesbian porn

What exactly is meant by BDSM ?

BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism and describes a rather wide range of sexual variations. Above all, there is the desire to play with dominance and submission, which can manifest itself in the form of bondage sex, erotic role-playing with playful punishment or lustfully inflicted pain.

Madame Lisa believes that most people have a preference – albeit perhaps a small one – for BDSM carry within you © Kuznechik / Shutterstock.com

The field is wide and thus offers plenty of room for prejudices. We wanted to find out what’s true about the cliché of the top manager who likes to be spanked in his spare time; whether it’s true that submissive women lack self-confidence and whether, as a dominatrix, you actually get a guilty conscience when you strike out.

Dear Lisa, at BDSM one inevitably has gloomy images of stern women in patent leather and leather before one’s eyes, men leading men around on dog leashes and having their feet licked. Is that really so?

If you allude to the typical pictures in porn – that has very little to do with reality. In these films BDSM is depicted rather overstated and is usually far from what men or women would want to experience if they were actually exposed to the situation. BDSM actually has a lot to do with deep emotion and intimacy.

If you have sex, you not only see, but feel, smell and taste – that’s something that gets completely lost in porn watching and that’s why you have to exaggerate things in the film to trigger a stimulus in the viewer. But this applies to every form of pornography. In the end, it gives people a sometimes very skewed picture of BDSM . I notice this again and again in my workshops and seminars, when people say “God, I am relieved.

I thought that I could no longer laugh now and had to shout commands”. Leading someone has nothing to do with being cruel or abnormal. It can also be done quietly, politely and friendly.

Who are these people? BDSM -attend seminars?

There’s really everything across the bank. From the 19-year-old student to the banker to the senior. My oldest student, by the way, was 72 years old. They are both absolute beginners and experienced BDSM couples and individuals. Some want to know if BDSM is something for them at all, the others are looking for new impulses for their relationship. Most of them are between 30 and late 40 and – quite honestly – completely normal.

What I’m trying to say is that people confuse BDSM with milieu or a special kind of erotic industry and expect a corresponding clientele. But this is not so.

All about the female climax

And the image of the strict manager in a tailor-made suit, who likes to be humiliated as a counterbalance – is that also a far-fetched image?

Of course there are; but there are also the managers who want to take over the dominant part in bed. I have my own theory about the former. If a man feels that he has submissive tendencies, he sometimes feels uncomfortable simply taking that for granted and admitting it. Then he uses his job as a crutch. Some people find it easier to justify their preferences with their professional position than with their own personality.

Once dominant, always dominant? Or can a preference change over time?

With some people it even changes from time to time. These are the so-called switchers. And sometimes someone who has been submissive for 20 years suddenly feels the need to act out the other side. I am the best example. When I was 19 years old. BDSM for me, I felt very comfortable in the submissive role. If I had been told at that time that I was once a femdom, I would have shown the bird to the person. That changed the moment I met a femdom and her two slaves at a party.

The better we got to know each other, the more fascinated I was by the way she dealt with the two men. At some point, I knew I wanted that too. I think there’s always a little longing in a person that beats the opposite. Sometimes it just takes the right partner at the right moment to awaken that very opposite.

Some people find it easier to justify their preferences with their professional position than with their own personality © Kuznechik / Shutterstock.com

Speaking of partners – what do couples who both share the same preference do? Can such relationships work at all in a sexual sense?

Such a thing can indeed be a drop of bitterness, but it does not necessarily mean the end of a relationship. In such cases, the couple can take turns, for example, so that everyone can get into the role that triggers them the most. Or the couple may open up to other couples. Sexuality can also be left out completely, if this is going too far. Sometimes it is enough to share bat games or certain role plays with this other couple.

An open relationship with changing sexual partners can also work for a monogamous couple, but jealousy and fear of loss usually play a major role.

Which vibrator suits me?

And how do you bring up the subject with your partner, the BDSM …is maybe a little bit creepy? Just order a whip on the net and unpack it in your bedroom?

This can work, but it can also backfire quickly. For example, when you whip without sense and reason and possibly seriously hurt the other person – physically and emotionally. This is exactly the reason why I offer these seminars. Here people learn not only the basics about BDSM and learn everything relevant about the different varieties, but I also impart medical knowledge. Meaning: How hard and where can I hit at all without breaking anything?

By the way, the right communication between the partners is just as important.

I have read that there are far more submissive women than men and feminists sometimes strongly condemn their attitude. What do you think about this?

Behind this lies a kind of double standard. Why should submissive women be denied their lust and sexual self-determination just because they do not fit into anyone’s concept? A woman who stands by her sexuality and lives it is much freer than a woman who denies her preferences. It is anyway a misconception that submissive women have low self-confidence or are weak. The opposite is the case. Whoever wants to bow down before someone must first be able to stand stable.

I even go so far as to claim that it takes much more strength to serve someone and to stand back voluntarily than to give orders. The conscious exchange of power is virtually only possible if the submissive part is strong enough to allow exactly that. In the same way, it is a misconception that the dominant part only needs to be cold or hard. A good leadership in BDSM requires above all empathy and is chosen just right when it is the right degree of toughness and rigour for the partner.

A woman who stands by her sexuality and lives it is much freer than a woman who denies her preferences © Kuznechik / Shutterstock.com

Are there also dominant people who do not understand the empathy and BDSM to live out their cruelty or violent fantasies?

Yes, unfortunately, there is. I once had a case like this in one of my seminars. There was a gentleman there who said that he had had bad experiences with women all his life and now he would like to take revenge on women by torturing them. I politely asked this man to leave my seminar and later explained to him in private that I do not tolerate such tendencies and that I have absolutely nothing to do with BDSM …has to do with this.

I would advise someone like this to undergo a therapeutic reappraisal of their relationship experiences, but definitely not to BDSM to let off steam. That’s also the reason why I don’t really like “Fifty Shades of Grey” very much, even though the book is only available to many people at BDSM …that led to this. However, the story is already sick in its core: Christian Grey is a traumatized man because he experienced violence as a child and therein lies his tendency to BDSM justified.

BDSM should never be an outlet for serious trauma or pathological tendencies.

It’s what men think about during sex.

But if you spank someone or choke them during sex, you like it. What’s more, it turns them on. How do you know whether it’s a pathologically sadistic streak or a consensual power imbalance?

At BDSM Ideally, two people meet, whose desire to play the game of dominance and submission is mutually dependent on each other. Meaning: The dominatrix only likes the role play if she has a slave at her disposal, who likes to be led by her and draws his satisfaction from it. If the slave would act exclusively under compulsion or in a negative emotion, this would be no pleasure for the Domina .

The same goes for the submissive part, the so-called sub: only if he or she feels that the cathedral is leading him or her with respect and dignity can he or she be absorbed in his or her role and feel pleasure again. Even if we are dealing with a power imbalance here – in the end, this too is nothing more than a game of our soul, in which both partners meet each other with respect and appreciation.

Doesn’t a dominatrix ever feel guilty? After all one hurts a loved one – desire or not.

Feelings of guilt are – especially at the beginning – often part of it. This goes so far that people burst into tears afterwards, because they cannot understand why they feel more like hitting someone instead of caressing them, even though they love them. Such a thing does not pass you by without leaving a trace and I would rather worry if this had left me completely cold in the beginning. After all, we have been brought up in such a way that it is evil to inflict pain on someone.

You can overcome this dichotomy by knowing what you are doing and not beating senselessly, and by putting your black and white thinking aside and telling yourself that the other person also feels pleasure in your role.

How do you even find out what you are into, whether you are more the submissive or the dominant type, whether you like bondage sex or clothespins on your nipples?

By trying it out. Capturing your desires purely in your thoughts – that doesn’t work. In addition, sexual preferences are often overlaid by how we see ourselves or would like to see ourselves. There are people who say from the outset that they are too proud to kneel down before someone else. Nevertheless, these people can have a strong desire to take on the submissive role in sex and ultimately deprive themselves of this experience with their rigid attitude.

Especially during BDSM it is important to deal with it intensively, both physically and psychologically. Do I enjoy the experience of pain even in reality or only when I watch it in porn? What does it do to my emotional life if I let myself be humiliated? Can my psyche withstand it? Sometimes you will be surprised at the tendencies that come to light in such an analysis. And one should allow oneself to have very different preferences; even if they are total opposites.

The diversity and the most diverse moods are what make us human beings. I firmly believe that almost every person has a certain tendency to BDSM but doesn’t dare to pursue it. Nearly everyone has been slapped on the butt during sex or wanted to be blindfolded. This is a rather deceptive sign that one has a tendency here. The only thing that matters is that one allows oneself this inclination, explores it and at best implements it with relish.

Our expert: Madame Lisa

For over a decade, Madame Lisa has been teaching BDSM -seminars, workshops, theme workshops as well as personal coachings around the topic BDSM in Stuttgart.

www.bdsm-manufaktur.de